The Past Is Not Now: How Do We Recover From 'Here-We-Go-Again'-Itis?
Trigger Warning: Pregnancy, baby-loss, medical trauma. Just letting you know so you can make an informed choice if this blog is not for you
Do you ever find yourself in a familiar difficulty you thought you’d overcome, and think to yourself…
‘Ugh. Here I am again. Back where I started.’
You know the feeling. That ‘Here we go again’ feeling,
I hear this from my coaching clients often, as they navigate recurring difficulties and disappointments. Maybe you recognise it for yourself, or we like to imagine that like levelling up in a video game, once we’ve overcome something, we shouldn’t have to go through the whole damn thing again. Maybe it’s something your team members say to you when they thought they’d learned a lesson, but found themselves having to learn it again.
How might we orientate ourselves afresh to what lies ahead, rather than projecting the past onto it?
What do we do with these feelings of deflation, resentment and resignation?
WHAT IF TIME IS NOT A STRAIGHT LINE?
The thing is, change is not a linear process.
And actually, our sense of time doesn’t have to be either.
The common Western concept of time, like the old school video game, is linear. Past, present and future are all laid out in sequence. The past behind us, the future in front, and here we are standing in the present, lurching ever-forward on an inescapable one-way escalator.
So when we find ourselves in a familiar unwanted predicament at work or in life, our mind can often tell us: ‘I’ve gone backwards.’
All the more so when we are experiencing trauma. In an attempt to protect us, our nervous systems can literally throw us back into a state of fear as if the past is happening right now. A protective move that, without support and healing, often causes even more fear and distress. Healing from trauma is a raw and real process of processing the past, and gently reassuring your body that it is now safe and in the present.
But here’s the thing. No thanks to colonialism, we’ve lost sight of the many other shapes that time can take in different cultures, faiths and indigenous traditions.
Jewish time, for example, has a different shape. Jewish time is circular.
The Jewish year is a series of season-led, often land-based festivals, which take us on a looping journey back to the same spiritual themes year after year.
Rest. Forgiveness. Miracles. Fertility. Liberation. Mourning. Gratitude.
Far from being like some kind of horrific Groundhog Day situation, we can train ourselves to realise there is no ‘going back.’ We’re circling back to the same place in a different time.
Same same - but different.
The world is different.
We are different.
So I’ve heard it said that in fact, Jewish time is not just circular, but a spiral. This is an example of the "spiral time concept" in action.
Each time you hit a familiar experience, you’re either going higher in the spiral, or delving deeper (take your pick).
So instead of succumbing to ‘here-we-go-again-itis’, we can ask:
‘How can I honour and learn from the past without getting stuck in it?’
‘What have I learned since last time I was here?’
‘How can I respond from where I am NOW?’
Approaching an old place with fresh eyes…I’m happy, and a little trepidatious to announce, that I’m 6 months pregnant. We’re expecting Tiny Danon’s arrival in June/July.
I’ve been feeling well and energised in my second trimester, and our daughter Esli is making us laugh coming up with ever more elaborate names for our new arrival (current option: ‘Cashew Pumpkin Star Octopus Cutie Noodle Danon.’)
But even now, there’s a part of me that struggles to write a simple ‘I’m happy.’
As you may know, my pregnancy and motherhood journey has been a complex one.
I’ve had been plenty of past experiences to retrigger a sense of ‘Oh shit, this isn’t going to go well…’
…Miscarriage at 11 weeks.
…Termination for medical reasons at 18 weeks.
…Medical trauma due to insensitive treatment.
…Extensive mental health struggles.
…Placenta previa in my pregnancy with Esli, leading to 2 weeks under surveillance in hospital.
…A healing journey aided by the charity PETALS, a silent dance retreat with Dara, and sharing my experience openly to find others who’d suffered similar losses.
So when I learned I was pregnant in November 2023, I admit *|FNAME”|*, I almost caught a bad case of ‘here-we-go-again-itis.’
The rush of fear, anxiety. Momentary traumatic flashbacks.
‘Here I am again. How the hell am I gonna get through this?’
But… having worked through the rawest of my trauma with experienced and compassionate professionals, I can feel that time isn’t a binary case of backwards or forwards.
If it’s a spiral, then I can feel past, present and future simultaneously, including all I have learned…
I am not in the same space.
I have done so much since then.
I can distinguish my Self from my trauma.
I know the feeling ‘I’m the only one’ isn’t true.
I allow myself to hope and appreciate each day.
I have a stronger, more intimate trust in my body.
I have learned how to better resource and advocate for myself.
I know how not to avoid anxiety - but also to welcome my moments of joy.
I have chosen not to suffer in silence, and sharing has helped me find my people.
I have so many more people around me who can help, whether they be experts or friends.
And unlike before, even if it all were to go horribly wrong…
…This time I know that this loss would not be the end of me.
Though feelings may be familiar, we can trust we have not been thrust backwards.
We can choose to trust the spiral.
YOUR PERMISSION PRESCRIPTION
So friend, in a rigid, linear world that gives us little grace when we struggle, here’s a little extra permission for your next ‘Here we go again’ moment.
Seek specialist support, especially if you are / have experienced trauma.
There is no glory in struggling alone, and there are plenty of amazing professionals who can offer trauma-informed support. In the past few years, I have personally benefitted from integral coaching; baby-loss counselling from Petals; Eye Movement Desensitisation & Reprocessing (EMDR) with a trained therapist; and somatic processing and coaching. At Rebel Leadership, our work strives to be trauma-informed, and if our clients display signs of trauma, we aim to refer them to excellent practitioners who can offer them that specific support.
Acknowledge the feelings, don’t dismiss them or zip them up.
It’s completely normal to feel disappointment, resentment, flatness when we experience this kind of deja vu. See if you can write them down, mindmap them, and/or share them with a co-conspirator who will listen without suggesting solutions. Remember - what we resist persists.
Resist ‘I’ve gone backwards’ thinking.
See if you can ground yourself in the present moment, recognising that however familiar this is may feel, you’re in a new instance or iteration. A new turn of the spiral. Some useful grounding questions I offer clients include:
What can I touch, see, smell that brings me back to the present?
What’s the date today? e.g. Today is the 5th April 2023
How old am I today? e.g. I'm 39-year-old Debbie
What feels familiar / similar about this experience?
What actually distinguishes or differentiates this from my past experiences?
Make your list of ‘What I Know Now.’
Just as I’ve done above with my pregnancy of 2023-24, make a list of What You Know Now that you didn’t know in the past. It can encompass knowledge, understanding, intuition and even recognising what you don’t know. Just remind yourself of how far you’ve come on your spiral.
Reflect on what the lesson is for this turn of the spiral.
When similar situations occur for us repeatedly, it can be because there’s a lesson for us still to learn about our habitual ways of being. Have we really grappled with that all-too-familiar feedback, or did we shove it aside hoping it wasn’t true? Have we been neglecting one (or more) of our needs for too long, and crashed out again? As I do with my clients, I invite you to wonder - with the wisdom of what’s come before, what’s the lesson I’m called to learn this particular time? And what/who is around me who can support me to learn it?
If you or someone you know have suffered from miscarriage, baby loss or other trauma, please don’t suffer in silence.
If you’ve Check out my blog post for some sources of online and in-person support for baby loss.
Rebel Leadership’s Next Turn of the Spiral
Yes, I’ll be taking some time off from July-December 2024. But that doesn’t mean Rebel Leadership will be too.
I’m delighted to share that we’ve recruited a handful of incredible Rebel Associates – seasoned coaches, facilitators and leaders of change from a wide range of lived experiences – who’ll be leading Rebel Leadership programmes while I’m off.
Here’s to facing each new turn of the spiral with fresh Authenticity, Balance and Courage.
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Debbie Danon
Founder, Rebel Leadership
Debbie is the founder of Rebel Leadership - a developmental practice serving leaders and teams of change-making organisations. She is a certified Integral Coach, inclusive leadership facilitator, and sought-after expert in personal and professional development.
In a world where burnout is too common among activists and change-makers, Debbie is passionate about supporting leaders to build their capacity for Rebel Authenticity, Balance and Courage - so that they and their teams can feel energised and fully resourced to navigate even the most complex challenges.
Clients recognise Debbie for her ‘deepest emotional intelligence’, ‘extensive leadership knowledge’ and ‘total unshockability.’
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