Be Kinder to Your Inner Critic: It’s a Tiny You With Giant Boxing Gloves.
How's your Inner Critic been recently?
You know what I mean. The little critical voice that berates you, makes you feel you've been punched in the gut...
'I’ve messed up... AGAIN! What's wrong with me?!''
'I’ve hurt their feelings. They're going to realise what a [insert pejorative term] I am!'
'That feedback is bogus. They don’t know me, they’ve got it all wrong.'
Here's the thing about your Inner Critic. And mine, and everyone else's, because we've all got them.
It may have aggressive, undermining or violent ways of getting our attention, but the Inner Critic is a very young part of us. It's a part whose survival instincts and risk aversion are trying hard to keep us safe from exposure and vulnerability. Unfortunately for Adult You, this doesn’t vibe well with your desire to learn (and fail), or chase ambitious goals.
It wants to keep us safe at all costs. And it will use anything at its disposal - societal norms, real or imagined judgments from others, physical discomfort - to keep you safe from what it considers to be unacceptable risks.
So when you receive feedback that smarts, or when you mess up on a project, or realise that despite your best intentions realise you caused harm to someone, your Inner Critic jumps into action.
Which one is your go-to when your Inner Critic attacks?
Self-defense: Defensiveness, justifying yourself, over-explanation, whataboutery, questioning or blaming others.
Self-beration: Over-apologising, taking on too much responsbility, beating yourself up so the other person will stop, ruminating at length.
In their excellent book Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, Patton, Stone and Heen get to the heart of this - the ‘three human fears’ that these experiences expose in us. And unskilful though it is, your Inner Critic is your first line of defense against the notion that one or more of these fears - heaven forbid - might be true.
‘What if I am not competent?’
‘What if I am not a good person?’
‘What if I am not worthy of love?’
From here, perhaps we can start to see that despite its unskilfulness and violent means, the Inner Critic’s intentions for us are actually good.
So, how do I work with my Inner Critic for the best results?
There's a lot said and written about 'beating', 'overcoming' or 'subduing' your Inner Critic.
It's understandable. The Inner Critic attacks you with self-doubt and self-beration - so you feel provoked to fight back. Surely violence the only way to respond?
But in my experience, getting fighty with the old IC isn't effective. The Inner Critic is a part of you, one with real fears and concerns. So you're literally going to war with yourself.
Or more accurately - going to war with your tiny child self, wearing huge boxing gloves.
Yeah. I know.
How did the scary troll turn into something so adorable?
When you put it like that, I want to give little friend a hug too.
Feel more S.U.R.E. when dealing with your Inner Critic
A while back, the fabulous Kate Van Akin interviewed me about my own Inner Critic journey for her blog, Ruby Slippers.
In the article, I share...
How my Inner Critic 'had' me big time - when taking my first steps out of uni, when overcoming my fear of driving in my 30s, and when navigating baby loss and medical trauma
How to use my S.U.R.E framework to work with your Inner Critic successfully, with wisdom and compassion
How to harness the full power of your body to disarm and settle your Inner Critic
What I believe Dorothy did next when she returned to Oz
Have a read, and save the S.U.R.E. Framework somewhere safe for the next time your scared inner child gets the boxing gloves out.
How do you currently deal with your Inner Critic?
What might be possible for you if you didn't have your Inner Critic getting in the way?
How might understanding your team members' Inner Critics help you bring out the best in everyone?
No more boxing gloves. Let's hatch a plan...
S.U.R.E. LEADERS
Check out Rebel Leadership Coaching, to help you make more fearless moves in your work and life.
S.U.R.E. TEAMS
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Debbie Danon
Founder, Rebel Leadership
Debbie is the founder of Rebel Leadership - a developmental practice serving leaders and teams of change-making organisations. She is a certified Integral Coach, inclusive leadership facilitator, and sought-after expert in personal and professional development.
In a world where burnout is too common among activists and change-makers, Debbie is passionate about supporting leaders to build their capacity for Rebel Authenticity, Balance and Courage - so that they and their teams can feel energised and fully resourced to navigate even the most complex challenges.
Clients recognise Debbie for her ‘deepest emotional intelligence’, ‘extensive leadership knowledge’ and ‘total unshockability.’
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