‘Get Right-Sized.’ Choosing true humility over self-beration and fake modesty
No-one likes an arrogant a$$hole.
But neither succumbing to the Inner Critic nor hiding behind performative modesty do justice to your impact as a leader.
Rebel Reframe Time: How can you and your team embrace a centuries-old concept of humility that raises self esteem and performance?
It happens to me all the time when coaching leaders. If you lead a team, maybe this happens to you, too.
Someone is telling you about an achievement from their week. With light shining in their eyes, they describe what they made possible with their strengths, energy and commitment.
Often it’s something that a conversation or two ago they were terrified of doing – like winning a competitive pitch, or leading a sensitive conversation to a positive conclusion.
But when you acknowledge them, replaying their accomplishments to them, citing clear evidence that they’ve offered you of their impact, they suddenly turn into Teflon…
‘Ah, thanks, but it was nothing.’
‘It wasn’t just me – it was the whole team.’
‘Yeah, I guess. But that was last week. New week, new problems!’
In my experience, there are two main reasons why this happens:
1) The person is experiencing an attack from their Inner Critic. The young, insistent part of them that scares them away from anything perceived risky or vulnerable. Like being truly seen for who they are.
(I write and speak extensively about my working with the Inner Critic on this blog, in Kate Van Akin’s Ruby Slippers blog, and in BRAINZ magazine - and soon in an exclusive leadership course with Social Talent. Sign up to my newsletter to be the first to know when that drops.)
2) The person has internalised performative behaviours around modesty. This is often a trade of authenticity for acceptance. Particularly as women, people of colour and those living outside traditional sites of power, we have been socialised by dominant culture to believe we cannot both be authentic, show how powerful we are, AND gain access to opportunities.
Time and again, I see my clients – accomplished leaders, social and industry disruptors – playing small, performing modesty in order to gain acceptance.
Do you remember where you learned not to boast? For me, it was on the playground. I remember being confused about being accused of boasting for celebrating something I’d achieved, feeling hot with shame as I turned over the unfamiliar word in my head.
The thing is, like many survival strategies adopted in childhood…
…Playing small is not as harmless as it seems
As well as dampening our developmental potential and self esteem, it upholds Harmful Internalised Standards and Stories (HISSes) that disproportionately affect those from marginalised identities. Modesty as a concept is deeply enmeshed with problematic traditional ideas of femininity. And performative modesty can be used as a survival tool for gaining acceptance, which is otherwise precarious for those living outside other systems of power and privilege, too. So when it comes to promotions or plum projects, it may lead those of us with relative privilege to overlook those who are deliberately doing down their achievements in exchange for ‘likeability.’
Maybe you think I’m making a mountain out of a modesty molehill. What’s a little self-deprecation between colleagues?
But they’re not just resisting a compliment. In the privacy of a coaching or 1:2:1 space, your people’s potential is being sabotaged. And ultimately, they, you and the organisation miss out:
Missing an opportunity learn about their strengths, so they can play to them better
Missing the chance to appreciate their achievements to stay motivated and nourished
Missing a moment to shine a light the antics of their Inner Critic (which I work on with all my Rebel Leadership coaching clients)
Missing out on connection and trust with you – the witnesser – whom they are subtly implying is being disingenuous
In the ‘friendly’ cultures that emerge within mission-driven organisations, this can become the only tolerated way of being. No-one likes an arrogant a$$hole who brags all the time – and I’m not advocating that we embrace that path.
So how’s this for a Rebel Reframe to help you unlock some High Performance Humility…
What if diminishing ourselves is stealing?
Stealing our self-esteem from us.
Stealing what we’re capable of from our teams.
Stealing the fullness of our untapped gifts from the world.
Let’s take the reframe further…In English is positioned as an opposite to arrogance or boastfulness.
In Jewish tradition, humility is not defined as the opposite of arrogance. In fact, playing too big and playing too small are opposite ends of the same scale. By playing smaller than we really are, we’re actually prioritising our comfort, our fear, our avoidance, over our true potential.
So… what’s in the middle of being too big or too small?
The Jewish tradition reads humility as being Right-Sized.
True humility is the willingness to unfold into being Right-Sized
I love that this take humility from an absolute virtue to one based on practice and context.
In the context of attending a briefing led by an expert, maybe the Right-Sized approach is to listen, take notes and ask a question without taking up all the space.
But when YOU are the expert, or when YOU are the leader paving the way, that requires taking up more space. In fact, if you don’t, you’re doing yourself and your leadership platform a disservice.
So here are 3 tips and a poem to help you and your team get Right-Sized.!
3 Paths of Change to… Right-Sized Humility
As a mission-driven leader, you owe it to the change you want to see in the world – if not to yourself – to unfold into your Rightful Size. And you owe it to your team to dismantle performative humility too.
The good news is, like all ways of being, Becoming Right-Sized is something you can cultivate for yourself and your organisational culture. Here are some suggestions based on my framework, the Three Paths of Change…
1) Self Reflection – Naming and noticing patterns is the first step to understanding. Some questions you might want to start journaling or voicenoting to yourself include:
In what specific ways did I play small today?
In what ways did I diminish or deflect appreciation?
What sensations arose in my body?
Do I tend to deflect appreciation with particular people, or in particular power dynamics?
Where in my past did I learn to perform modesty or avoid praise?
What am I learning about how I relate to 'Becoming Right-Sized’?
2) Embodied Practice – First, learn to accept genuine praise yourself. Next time someone offers you genuine appreciation, try one of these before you deflect:
‘Thank you – I would never have known the impact if you hadn’t shared it with me.’
‘Can you say that again? I need to write that down to absorb it later.’
Or my personal favourite…‘Thank you for seeing me this way.’
And now – when you coach your team, don’t let those deflections slide.
Coach them to respond in the same way.
Real-life example: My fabulous co-conspirator, creative educator Nicole Rose recently surprised me with this amazing doodle, labelling me as a Powerhouse.
At first I was a bit blown away (me? Really?). But grounding myself in ‘Can I become more Right-Sized?, seeing myself through Nicole’s eyes – expert, energetic, vocal about my values – I’ve started to embrace Powerhouse as one of the things I am in the world.
When I let it in this way, it doesn’t make me arrogant. It gives me access to new possibilities of showing up in my Right-Sized power!
Thank you for seeing me this way, Nicole Rose. Seeing myself through your eyes is helping me integrate ‘Powerhouse’ as a new way to know myself.
3) Co-Conspirators – Time to make High-Performance Humility a norm in your organisation.
If you can’t see yourself clearly, ask a trusted manager or peer to help you see yourself through their eyes - just as Nicole has done with me (multi-colour doodle portraits: optional).
In your 1:2:1s and team days, introduce the concept of ‘Right-Sized’ Humility. Normalise appreciative enquiry as a way of learning how to use strengths, as we do in my Rebel Leadership Course. What conversations and practices would give your people permission to celebrate the fullness of their talents – not to inflate their heads, but as a commitment to their ongoing development?
I lead conversations with leaders and teams day in, day out. If you’re curious about how to remove this and other hidden obstacles to inclusive high performance, I’d love to set up a chat with you to see how I can help.
And meanwhile, here’s my latest poem on becoming Right-Sized. I hope it makes new meaning for you.
Right-Sized
Debbie Danon, Jan 2023
A response to Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer’s Big
What if this the year to learn to be right-sized?
I learned on the playground to
Flinch from arrogance.
‘Please – don’t leave me.
I promise not to get Too Big.’
But the cost, I’ve learned, is dear.
Trading potential for false modesty,
Dampening power with every apology,
Neglecting my impeccable edges
With every hedge.
But then I remember
What the rabbis knew.
They stretched wide a red silk thread.
At one end: Arrogance.
At the other: Not humility – but
Playing Too Small.
They knew playing small was just arrogance by a different name.
Placing comfort above contribution.
Our gifts withdrawn from the world,
For the price of fitting in.
‘What if holding back is stealing?’
So in the middle, they placed a pair of right-sized shoes.
Yours.
Mine.
The right-sizing that awaits us all.
What, I wonder, will it take for you to grow into your right size?
The one that seems
Impossibly large, and
Obnoxiously loud?
Clownish as these shoes seem now, prone to stumbling,
At first you’ll feel the fool.
Some People will have Things To Say.
Some may even walk away.
(In this modesty-mad world, they’re yet to clock
that claiming your shoes
does nothing to keep them from theirs.)
But every now and then you wake up to the truth.
That it's the world that's wrong - not you.
These too-small shoes will no longer do.
So take your credit where it’s due.
And when no-one offers it – give yourself a spoon daily.
Take your space
Trading in the apologies for gratitude.
Minimise your emotions no more –
They too deserve to expand to the full.
Fill your circle with champions
And learn to see yourself with the wonder of their eyes.
And when you hit your stride, and weather whatever,
Give up the surprise.
When those shoes once vast grow snug,
Be sure to celebrate well.
Acknowledge yourself, and your people, and the view.
Until another pair of shoes calls to you
Between arrogance and avoidance
On that red silk string…
You Are Needed.
And this is no time, no world,
For stealing.
Does your leadership culture need more Authenticity, Balance & Courage?
I would love to bring Rebel Leadership to your organisation, enabling you and your people to spark and sustain positive change, without burning out or causing unintended harm.
Click the button and let’s set up a chat…