The Private / Public Dance of Successful Transitions
As a coach who supports people and teams through change all the time, now it’s my turn to turn a Transition into My Time to Flourish…
Life transitions can take a lot of energy. They combine the most public of rituals, with the private reckonings of the heart.
Photo by Aditya Ali on Unsplash
Yesterday I declared a new possibility for my own life.
It is bringing home to me the complex dance of transitions.
It amazes me how successful transitions require negotiating the most public of rituals, alongside the most private reckonings of the heart.
I have spent most of my life looking for a Jewish community where I could belong, sing, lead and become a better person with like-souled people. In fact, I felt so strongly about it, in 2013 I gave a TED-Style talk about it that went a little bit viral in the Jewish world (niche, I know).
Four and a half years ago, some co-conspirators and I initiated an informal partnership between two local Jewish communities. An intergenerational experiment in community-building.
Shir Hayim (Song of Life), a small but established congregation led by loyal volunteers, mainly serving an older demographic. At the time, based out of a rented building that they magically transformed into a synagogue with comfy chairs, carpets, an Ark for the Torah on wheels, they were wondering how to attract younger members and secure the community's future.
Willesden Minyan, a younger, and somewhat chaotic disparate group (an email list and a Facebook group, really), hiring pubs and shopfronts for Shabbat prayers. People in their 20s-40s exploring what a meaningful, spiritual Jewish life meant in the 21st century. There was enthusiasm but no building, no plan, and very little coordinated leadership.
Both communities loved talking, studying and, most of all, singing. They hit it off immediately, and the year-long Residency was born.
We held The Residency lightly, but over the course of 2018, relationships blossomed over prayers, meals and meetings. It became clear that this thing had legs. So I led a process of consultation which led to an agreement to become one community, with a single set of values and a new name.
It wasn't easy. There was so much sensitivity to navigate, history to honour. I had to draw on all my leadership qualities (patience, influence, courage, compassion, integrity). But overall, people's care, passion and commitment to this seedling community at the time blew me away.
And so, Makor Hayim was born.
The name means 'Source of Life.’ And yes, that's me in the promo video on the homepage!
What started as a little experiment led to us co-founding one of the fastest-growing progressive Jewish communities in the UK, known for being welcoming, radically inclusive and dynamically led by volunteers.
And suddenly, though willingly, I found myself sitting as Vice Chair and trustee.
I never imagined I would do something so mainstream as to found and sit on the Board of a synagogue. But life has a way of surprising us when we follow its call.
It's been a busy three years...
Supporting each other through joys and sorrows
Working out what our five values mean in practice
Moving the whole community online during the pandemic
Working on the community all through my pandemic Mat Leave, leading services and meetings with Esli in my arms
A LOT of meetings! It’s taken between 4-8 hours a week of my time
The odd community drama and bit of conflict resolution (of course)
Professionalising our operations
Transitioning to be a hybrid community, since many of our elders or those with health conditions cannot safely return to in-person gatherings.
Quite simply, while I still have much to learn, I have learned more about loving, courageous, accountable leadership in this role than any other. You may remember this from my blog post about leading Yom Kippur Prayers, 'My Inner Critic, The Patriarchy & Me.'There is no such thing as perfect community. They are as flawed and messy and inspiring and incredible as humans are. But I can say with integrity, Makor Hayim is the perfect community for me.
Even so, all things must come to an end. In January I had an emerging sense it was...
Time to step back.
I wasn't burnt out or jaded. But I believe in graceful and timely exits, and my gut told me it was my time.
The truth is, *|FNAME|*, I wanted to create the possibility of more space to relax and enjoy life, more time with my family, and more energy to grow my business. And to attend community events without feeling a sense of responsibility and duty for a while.
My trustee team were immensely supportive, and amazing new leaders are stepping up as I step back. I will of course stay involved with singing, leadership development and other initiatives. But this marks the end of a leadership chapter for me.
Yesterday I pressed send on the community newsletter that declared my stepping down in June.
I have declared my formal transition, and now the real change begins... because just stepping back from something doesn't automatically mean I will have more space, time and energy.
So having made my transition public, I will need to steward the private transition for myself...<New Possibility Loading>
I wonder what’s on the other side of this tunnel… only one way to find out!
Public & Private Transitions
I don't know about you, but I'm a big believer that transitions can be incredibly rich times for intentional growth.
Sometimes the contours and expectations of a transition are recognised by society, a public transition.
'I am starting new role.'
'I am taking a sabbatical.'
'I am stepping into marriage / partnership / parenthood / divorce / mourning
- a new phase of life.'
Human beings tend towards safety, the known over the unknown. So it’s widely acknowledged that for these 'steppings-in', we must recognise that we’ll have greater needs to support the weight of all the change and uncertainty.
I wonder if you’ve used any of these before in a time of transition?
SELF AWARENESS
You might journal more, or write handbooks for yourself to remember what you’re learning. You might write letters of good-bye and gratitude, vows or blessings to mark the moment.
EMBODIED PRACTICE
You might take extra care of yourself - plenty of water, exercise, sleep and downtime to process the newness. You might cultivate moments of stillness to balance the stimulation.
CO-CONSPIRATORS
You might draft in extra support - friends, family, mentors, to support you and offer encouragement.
But what about the private transitions, the ones that we ourselves declare? Where there is no societal contour or recognition, but we are ready to embrace something totally new...
'I want to discover what work really fulfils me, and then I want to go out and find it.'
'I want to have more quality time (and less drudgery) with my family.'
'I want to have more spaciousness in my week, so that I can express my creativity.'
When I coach my clients through transitions, I support them to honour their increased needs. I offer them:
Self-awareness exercises
Physical and spiritual practices
Invitations to enrol co-conspirators to support them
... so that they can master the subtle, private reclaiming of their energy, time, and space.
My friends, it is this hidden inner work that turns a Transition into a Time to Flourish.
Reflection Questions for your Next Transition
So here are some questions you can ask yourself to help you navigate your next transition successfully, both publicly and privately:
PUBLIC
Who needs to know about your decision? Through what medium do you want to let them know?
What have you been holding onto until now (workload, expectations, commitments) that you need to let go in order to transition? What’s will be required to hand these over or lay them down?
What are the public rituals around your transition? e.g. leaving party, wedding ceremony, send-off at the airport.
Are there any decisions required, or requests of others, so that these public rituals reflect your needs and desires? e.g. a small gathering of 5 people, speeches or not, long goodbyes or short.
What practices / support will make this public transition easier for you?
PRIVATE
What is the possibility you want this transition to bring you? e.g. I want the transition to a new role to bring me the possibility of more challenge, more learning, more inspiration.
Why does this transition feel needed or important to you? Write down as many reasons as feel true, and check in with them when you waver.
What practices / time blocking do you need to commit to make this possibility a reality?
What do you need to let go of or say ‘No’ to so that you can make your possibility a priority?
Whom can you share this plan with, to support you and keep you accountable?
Here’s to your next transition, and all the possibilities you will create through it.
Are you leading a team in transition?
Are you navigating a leadership or life transition yourself?
Let’s talk.
