Music for Mistakes: 5 Songs to Soothe your Inner Critic
‘You ruined everything, you stupid b…’ - Rachel Bloom
What happens to your body when you realise you’ve make a mistake?
It’s incredible how narrow our world becomes in that moment of realisation.
The hyper-vigilant churn of your brain. The hoarseness in your throat. The feeling you might be sick. That’s your body going into fight, flight, freeze or fawn mode, readying itself for an existential threat.
You might try to push through.
You might fall into tried-and-tested patterns - over-apologising, defensiveness, ghosting.
The irony is that in that moment when all you want to do is fix things, your fear and shame responses disarm you from being able to take truly restorative action.
What’s that sound?
Ah yes, adding insult to injury, it’s the Inner Critic preparing to unleash a tirade of self-blame…
What does yours say to you when you mess up? Some of my Inner Critic’s favourites include…
‘I told you, you shouldn’t have taken on something this big.’
‘Nice one. Now you’re crying, you can’t even think straight to fix it!’
‘No-one will ever trust you after this. You. Will. Never. Work. Again.’
Let’s start by pointing out the obvious.
Contrary to the myth our culture feeds us that says that if we are really, really ‘on it’ failure is avoidable, messing up is inevitable. It’s a totally human place to be. As is experiencing attacks from your Inner Critic - a mental mechanism designed to protect us, but whose harsh judgment often leaves us feeling more ashamed, anxious or despairing than safe.
So your vagus nerve has been activated and your body needs calming?
Join the club. You’re not alone.
Mistakes are part of life, so soothing our bodies’ response to them should be too. Once your body is settled and the shame tap switched off, you can start taking those steps towards making amends.
(PS From this grounded place, there might be less to fix than you first feared.)
I find music incredibly settling for my own, and my client’s, nervous systems when they’re activated. I often create Spotify playlists as part of my clients’ Integral Leadership Coaching Programmes, hand-picking songs to support their journeys into greater authenticity, balance and courage.
With thanks to the artists, I’ve introduced the songs below to countless clients for dealing with moments of Inner Critic anxiety.
Here’s the Playlist on Spotify
There’s wisdom, truth and humour from fellow humans who’ve been there. Some songs are reassuring to listen to as a kind of meditation. Others are great for shaking your body to. Dancing, swaying, sighing does a great job of activating your parasympathetic response and helping you loosen into a wider perspective. If you cry a few tears in the process, so much the better for your body and your mood.
See which one settles you best…
To regain perspective with humour…
You ruined everything, you stupid bitch! – Rachel Bloom, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
When you’re in panic mode, a little absurdist humour can shake you by the shoulders in a good way. It’s hard to stay angry at yourself when you embracing the full melodrama fantasy of Rachel Bloom’s ode to self-pity. ‘Sing with me now…’
To shift your attention from your head to your body…
Hey, you’re doing okay – Batya Levine
I’m forever grateful to my friend Rachel Rose Reid of Yelala for introducing me to this gem. A welcome reminder that even in the grip of a shame episode, we are physical beings with beating hearts and lungs that need breath; and that the work of becoming ‘is gonna take time.’
To distinguish your thoughts from your feeling…
Here comes a thought – Steven Universe
What if that catastrophe that you just saw in your mind was ‘just a thought’? Pop legend Estelle voices wise and reassuring Garnet in this soulful number from children’s show Steven Universe.
To dissolve your overwhelm and find a right-sized response…
Bird by Bird – Joe Crookston
One for those of us who get overwhelmed by the enormity of the task ahead – whether it’s remedying the practicalities of a mishap, or rebuilding trust that’s been damaged. ‘How we gonna make it, what are we gonna do…?’ That’s right, we’re gonna take it ‘bird by bird, stone by stone.’
To reassure and encourage yourself that you’ll find a way through…
You can do this hard thing – Carrie Newcomer
When you’re at your wits end and feel like giving up, Carrie Newcomer’s got you. A walk through challenging experiences from childhood to adulthood, brimming with encouragement that we have done hard things before, and will do them again.
https://www.carrienewcomer.com/
Are you finding it hard to recover your balance after making mistakes?
Are you struggling with Imposter Syndrome and your Inner Critic?
Are you ready to discover new tools to support your resilience and flourishing?
If so, I’d love to connect.
Let’s have a 30 minute Possibility Call and explore how coaching with me
might support you.